Faith mind fight

We just celebrated my 42nd birthday:
cream puffs and a chip binge, 
and two hours of watching home videos 
with our four growing kids. 
We laughed, a lot. 
But it is a fine line. 

One can get lost in nostalgia. 

It can feel like a casket. 
Ready to close in,
lock me up
and bury me
in the misery that I feel is the NOW. 

I know…
dramatic. 

No one warned us what entering 
our 40’s would be like. 
We were certainly warned that the kids 
would grow up fast. 

One in university. 
one soon graduating,
two 15…
and us,
grasping at straws
every day,
trying to keep our sanity. 

Not just because of the expected drama,
but because of this
sadness
that is scooping joy out of my body. 

I love my kids. 
I love the stage they are at
(ok….maybe not so much
the-not-seeing-them-for-hours-each-day-
because-they-are-doing-their-own-thing-
and-then-sometimes-when-I-do-see-them-
they-just-mock-me-
and-don’t-take-me-seriously-
and-then-complain-about-supper-stage)
but I do love
the conversations we have,
the jokes we share,
the pure silliness
that causes us to choke on food and drink,
until it snorts out of our nose!

But things are harder. 
Problems are bigger
anger is hotter
sadness is bitter
trials are painful. 

It isn’t just a scraped knee anymore.
It is a broken heart,
stresses mom and dad can’t fix,
mental health challenges we feel at a loss as how to help.
It is the loss of family pets,
the loss of family members,
struggles with school,
teachers and a demanding work load. 

It is hard. 
This raising older teens,
young adults. 

More aches and pains,
bigger frustrations,
gigantic changes. 
Scary independence being built. 
Their own spaces.
their own thoughts
their own beliefs
and ideas. 

In my mind I hug my little kids,
I read to them,
I tuck them in. 
I miss them.
but I don’t want to MISS THEM as they are right in front of me. 

The stress
and the worry 
and the fear
can be a curtain between us. 

And I think,
I wonder,
did I do right by them?
will they be ok?

And the should-ofs rise
and hiss,
leaking venom. 

So I stop,
and breathe, 
and pray. 
And I find remembrance 
in God’s sovereignty,
comfort in knowing they are His creation.
He is capable of reaching them
and keeping them. 

I am reminded 
that they are great human beings!
They are amazing.

Even so,
i wonder…
will i ever be at peace?