We just celebrated my 42nd birthday: cream puffs and a chip binge, and two hours of watching home videos with our four growing kids. We laughed, a lot. But it is a fine line.
One can get lost in nostalgia.
It can feel like a casket. Ready to close in, lock me up and bury me in the misery that I feel is the NOW.
I know… dramatic.
No one warned us what entering our 40’s would be like. We were certainly warned that the kids would grow up fast.
One in university. one soon graduating, two 15… and us, grasping at straws every day, trying to keep our sanity.
Not just because of the expected drama, but because of this sadness that is scooping joy out of my body.
I love my kids. I love the stage they are at (ok….maybe not so much the-not-seeing-them-for-hours-each-day- because-they-are-doing-their-own-thing- and-then-sometimes-when-I-do-see-them- they-just-mock-me- and-don’t-take-me-seriously- and-then-complain-about-supper-stage) but I do love the conversations we have, the jokes we share, the pure silliness that causes us to choke on food and drink, until it snorts out of our nose!
But things are harder. Problems are bigger anger is hotter sadness is bitter trials are painful.
It isn’t just a scraped knee anymore. It is a broken heart, stresses mom and dad can’t fix, mental health challenges we feel at a loss as how to help. It is the loss of family pets, the loss of family members, struggles with school, teachers and a demanding work load.
It is hard. This raising older teens, young adults.
More aches and pains, bigger frustrations, gigantic changes. Scary independence being built. Their own spaces. their own thoughts their own beliefs and ideas.
In my mind I hug my little kids, I read to them, I tuck them in. I miss them. but I don’t want to MISS THEM as they are right in front of me.
The stress and the worry and the fear can be a curtain between us.
And I think, I wonder, did I do right by them? will they be ok?
And the should-ofs rise and hiss, leaking venom.
So I stop, and breathe, and pray. And I find remembrance in God’s sovereignty, comfort in knowing they are His creation. He is capable of reaching them and keeping them.
I am reminded that they are great human beings! They are amazing.
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